5 Ways To Deal With A Bad Boss Using Emotional Intelligence
When you have a “bad” boss you can suffer, complain, leave or use emotional intelligence to improve your lot.
There is no shortage of bad boss horror stories. Almost everyone seems to have one, and complaining is such a favorite pastime that the AFL CIO has capitalized on the popular issue and is now running its second annual contest to discover “who has the worst boss in America.” Among the judges are Robert Sutton of “A word” fame mentioned in a previous post and Jane Fonda, who starred in the bad boss movie “9 To 5.”
Yes, I know there’s a lot of ugly truth to the stories but I believe that demonizing bad bosses is divisive and makes the problem more difficult to solve and it sure doesn’t help you much if you have one. It is more valuable to recognize that bosses are just people like you and me with their own unique problems and issues. Author and social activist Barbara Ehrenreich, in her article Bosses and Bossism asks us to consider the issue is not just the people but the system and says:
“Much as I’d like to see all these miscreants brought to justice–in something like the “thought reform” camps of the Chinese Cultural Revolution–I tend to think the emphasis on bad bosses is a little misguided. The problem isn’t particular bosses, but what I call “Bossism”–the hierarchical system that governs all known bureaucracies, both public and private. Giving one person huge power over others is like giving a 3-year-old a hose: Not everyone will get soaked, but the chances of coming out dry are slender.”
5 Ways To Use Emotional Intelligence
Changing the system may take some time and meanwhile where do you turn for help with your boss situation? Turn to yourself. By using emotional intelligence you can change yourself and positively deal with the situation and, by the way, help bring about more rapid change of the system. Here are 5 things to do now:1. Take responsibility for you - your thoughts, feelings and choices. You have no control over others but you do have absolute control over you. That makes you powerful. In “How To Turn A Bad Boss Into A Good One,” Author Penelope Trunk encourages you to
“First, stop complaining. Unless your boss breaks the law, you don’t have a bad boss, you have a boss you are managing poorly. Pick on your boss all you want, but if you were taking responsibility for your career, you wouldn’t let your boss’s problems bring you down.”
2. Increase your emotional self-awareness and your emotional self-management skills. Become aware of your own emotions and how they drive you. As you become aware and name your emotions as they arise, you will gain more self-control and gain valuable perspective. You will also start to recognize how you are choosing to behave. When you find yourself reacting you can say to yourself, “When she said that I thought she was putting me down, I felt angry and I chose to say nothing and sulk…isn’t that interesting.”
3. Stop attributing malicious motivation to what your boss says. It’s not about you! I was working with a coaching client who got hooked every time his boss made a sarcastic comment. True, the boss didn’t know how to deal with his insecurity so he used sarcasm to hide behind but it wasn’t personal. And he didn’t even know he was doing it. My client took it as personal criticism, got angry and discouraged and went away wasting energy on being resentful and silently hating the boss. You have too much to do to waste that energy. Get unhooked! Say to yourself: “This is not about me.”
4. Decide to stay and be a change agent, or go and do something more consistent with your values. I frequently hear clients say, “I have no choice. I have to stay and put up with it.” That is simply not true – you always have a choice. If the place you are working has values seriously different from yours, you are in the wrong place. In today’s market they may be more people looking for your skill than you think. Or, this may be the time that you do your own thing. Some people think you should suffer silently of try to accommodate to get by, but I think you must maintain your integrity and do what is right in your heart.
Marilyn Haight, author of Who’s Afraid Of The Big Bad Boss, suggests some the following actions to get along:
a. Defer to your boss for big decisions.
b. Allow your boss to claim your work as his or her own.
c. Function below your full potential to avoid intimidating your boss.
These could be useful but, I think these choices can be very damaging to you and your organization through the loss of your integrity and the unavoidable unconscious sabotage of your organization.
I once worked for a boss who was paranoid and vengeful. If she thought you were not on her side, then you must be against her and she would attack. She used her resources to make my life difficult and I silently took it because I was afraid to leave. Leaving was the best thing that happened to me. It opened a wellspring of new opportunity and I reclaimed my integrity.
The good news is that you probably don’t have to leave. But, if you decide to stay, then commit to becoming an agent for change by being different. Develop the skill of managing your boss. Learn to effectively express your emotions and your needs. Take a tip from Penelope Trunk:
“Take another look at the boss you call bad. Think about what motivates him: What is he scared about that you can make easier? What is he lacking that you can compensate for? What does he wish you would do that you don’t? Once you start managing this relationship more skillfully, you will be able to get more from your boss in terms of coaching and support: You’ll be able to tip the scales from the bad boss side to the learning opportunity side.”
Staying may mean that you will have to take a stand, and you can learn to do that in an emotionally intelligent way. Especially if you…
5. Stop judging, become accepting and turn up the volume on your empathy. Unless they are ill, most people are not evil but they may be ignorant. Consider that your boss may be: Under pressure to perform and can’t handle it, may be in over her head, doesn’t know a better way, is scared and is fighting desperately to stay in control.
Seek to understand. Solicit his feelings. Learn what motivates her and where they she can be supported. Give to hi or her what you want to receive in the relationship. You will become more effective and satisfied with yourself and you are just likely to change your organizational culture and your world.
If you are struggling with a bad boss issue really want support, submit the free coaching request.
I believe in you.
Joseph Liberti
EQ At Work
Copyright 1998-2007 Joseph Liberti. All rights reserved. Joseph Liberti coaches leaders and coaches to liberate authentic self through the development of emotional intelligence. Feel free to copy and distribute this article as long as you keep this credit. For more excerpts from Joseph’s new book subscribe to this blog.
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